Halfwit Nation

Delivering the stories THEY don't want you to read, including:

People who know how to fucking park on brink of extinction

Fat kids to be chased to school by dogs

Vatican to build huge telescope in hunt for Jesus

Estate agents will starve to death, says upbeat report

UK threat level raised to 'Underpants'

Free bank with every new mobile

Britain strikes gold in sport no one watches

Meanwhile Agony Aunt Petula Soul tackles a diverse range of bizarre sexual problems and astrologer Psychic Bob maps your mystic future (There's always a chance you'll get something you have been wanting for a long time. But there's a much bigger chance you won't).

Plus: opinion polls, talking dogs and an absolutely gigantic rat.